“Stress occurs whenever there is a gap between expectation and reality.”
Our brains are predictability machines. They use thought, memory, and imagination to keep us safe by anticipating what might happen in the future. This is why change can be challenging. When life becomes unpredictable, we naturally feel under threat, and that’s when stress kicks in.
Take the example of driving home. You expect a smooth 60-minute journey, but then the traffic builds up due to an accident. The sat nav tells you you’ll be late. Your initial reaction is shock – ‘this wasn’t part of the plan’. Next, you’re annoyed – ‘I hate being late; I’ve got places to be’. You might even resist reality for a while, thinking ‘Maybe the traffic will clear up; I bet I can find a short cut’.
Having exhausted all the potential rat runs and short cuts home you resign yourself to the fact that you’re going to be 30-minutes late. If you let go of the frustration and can find acceptance then perhaps you can use the time productively by making a call or listening to a podcast, things you haven’t had time for.
The stress wasn’t caused by the 90-minute journey itself—you’ve managed longer trips before. It came from expecting a 60-minute drive, but the reality being different.
This is a simple example of how stress arises from the gap between what we expect and what happens. But it’s also happening on a deeper level during significant life changes. Changes that challenge not just our plans but our sense of self—our behaviours, capabilities, mindset, and identity.
The Deeper Stress of Change
As children, we adapt to our surroundings, learning what works, learning the rules and learning how to play the game. In this way we learn to survive and potentially thrive in our environment. Our brain is a problem-solving mechanism designed to make sense of the chaos of life, find the predictable patterns, and figure out what to do. Internally, we are constantly running scripts – ‘if this happens, do that’ – based on the experiences and strategies that have kept us safe. That childhood conditioning becomes the strategies that shape who we are: ‘This is who I am; these are my beliefs; this is how I operate in the world.’
The stress of change occurs when life forces us off script and the old patterns no longer seem to work.
When the environment changes, we may try to ‘relocate’ – take our identity, mindset and skillset and apply them somewhere new. It’s like an actor who has been in the same play for a long time, they might leave only to look for a similar drama so they can perform the same role again. Or a hero who leaves one village only to search for another where they can find the same dragon to slay.
In these moments, we may be able to adjust our behaviours and learn the new rules. However, some changes are more significant, forcing us to re-examine our beliefs and the ‘truths’ that we might cling onto. These kinds of transitions require more than relocation—they demand transformation.
Transition vs. Transformation
Change that happens at a deeper level forces us into a longer process when we must confront our mindset and our identity – this is when transformation begins.
This happens even when we choose to make positive changes in our lives. A promotion, getting married and having kids will all challenge us to make changes at a fundamental level of identity. We could attempt to ‘relocate’ – keep our identity as foot loose and fancy free, retain our beliefs about how to live our life or we could transform and take on a new role, a new identity as leader, partner or parent. That period of transformation may take time but it essential if we are to make lasting change in our lives.
If it is hard when we are active agents in the change then it is even more challenging when that change is forced on us. The loss of a job, a divorce, the death of a loved one are all traumatic events that can rock us to our core.
During these moments of transformation, letting go of old patterns can feel disorienting, even painful. We are forced to navigate a new reality that is often far removed from what we had imagined. The emotional demand of these transitions should never be underestimated.
The Need for Support in Transition
Navigating the emotional journey of change can be messy and difficult. The transition requires us to examine and retrain the predictability machine. During change we can be tempted to double down on the strategies that have worked in the past, trying to force reality to conform with our internal narrative. But sometimes, the strategies that worked in the past no longer serve us. They may even prevent us from finding the happiness and fulfilment we seek.
This is why transition can be so stressful. We are facing a reality that no longer matches our expectations, forcing us to shed old identities and adopt new ways of thinking. Letting go of these familiar patterns can feel frightening, as it often brings us face-to-face with the wounds and fears we’ve carried since childhood. The work of transformation is often the process of healing – of liberating ourselves from behaviours and mindsets that no longer support our growth.
The Importance of Specialist Support
This is where support becomes essential. The journey of transformation often requires us to look back at our past as well as into our future. It’s not enough to continue doing what we’ve always done. We need guidance to help us let go of outdated conditioning, embrace new realities, and discover fresh opportunities to thrive.
Specialist support—whether through therapy, coaching, or within supportive groups —helps us navigate the ambiguity in change. It provides a safe space to explore the changes we’re going through, and it allows us to find new strategies for moving forward.
Change is challenging, but with the proper guidance, it can also be a powerful catalyst for growth, healing, and personal transformation. It requires courage, but it also leads us to uncover the deeper essence of who we are, beyond the masks of our past identity.
If you’re going through a period of transition, don’t hesitate to seek support. The right guidance can help you not only navigate change but truly thrive through it.
Clear view 